Thursday, September 3, 2009

Wisdom to know the difference

Let's suppose that I went to a store, needing something important. Suppose that I walked around looking for whatever it was, and the longer I looked, the more I realized that I wasn't in the right store. It might have had what I needed, but it was too expensive, or just out of my reach. Which meant it didn't have what I needed. But I'd gone all the way there, and after a while I'd spent so much time that it seemed like a waste to go somewhere else. Where else would I go, and how could I know the same thing wouldn't happen?

But I know I'm not supposed to be there. I know it. And I think maybe it's not a big deal. I think maybe I'll just keep walking around like I know what I'm doing. Except that if I'm there, I'm not where I should be. And if I'm not where I should be, then I'm not in a place where God can use me the way that He wants to. And unless I leave, I'm not ever going to get anywhere else.

It's hard to admit that you've made a mistake. It's hard to admit that you haven't been honest with yourself, and that you haven't been listening to God, either. And it's hard to walk away. I think about all the time I've invested, willing things to change. But as I tell my kids, you can't change anyone but yourself. Target will be Target, Wal-Mart will be Wal-Mart, etc., etc. But it's no wonder that my kids don't understand this concept, when I clearly don't always understand it myself.

We're not talking about Target, of course. But you knew that already. I've left my big moms group, the one that I've been part of since M was less than one. It had nothing to do with the group, which was filled with these amazing, awesome women. I didn't know it was possible for a group to have that many fantastic people all in one place. Which I think was why I stayed for so long. I wanted it to be the right group, because it was such a great group. But I never was part of it in the way that I wanted to be, and trying to make myself the right person wasn't letting myself be the person God wants me to be. I lost focus, and I came to believe that it was about me and not about the fit. For a person with low self-esteem, that's not a good thing. Even more than that, for a person who claims to be seeking God's will for their life, it was a serious case of selective listening.

Round peg, square hole. Right list, wrong store. I tell myself this to temper the sense of loss I feel. There is a round hole, and a right store, and a place God wants me to be. This time, I'm stopping to ask directions first.


Anonymous said...

Very well put. I'm proud of you for taking such a big step. I know it is hard to leave the group, but I promise it will be okay. Love,B

Anonymous said...

You are amazing Diana! The way you described it makes it all so clear. You will find the round hole, the right store and God will provide you the directions. Funny, I have been asking for directions for awhile, but I think the problem is that I am not listening. Maybe I need to clean my ears out. Thank you for all that you have done including providing friendship.
xoxoxo Suzette

Melissa said...


It's hard to be in between operating instructions. But how brave of you to take the first step you needed to take. (Now don't you go thinking about leaving any other mom-related groups, though. Serious.)

feistywon said...

It'll be okay considering you followed your heart. Am I happy about recent events, no! But I'm glad you did what you needed to do. I hope to still see you and the kids in the future as women who love to hang out with their husbands. You should never have low self esteem, you are a wonderful, patient, talented woman who has time to come into her own once the kids are in school. You have so much going for you and I love your Godly relationship with you hubby. You've got a great life ahead of you!